1st December 2015

Me Vs Anxiety

What is Anxiety?

I don’t have anxiety? I have never suffered with Anxiety or depression but I do know either can be triggered by a traumatic event in your life.

It has become clear or Maybe I have accepted that I do have an anxiety problem and even better I do know when it started.

My anxiety revolves around Bubs my youngest child who was at 6 days old diagnosed with Congenital Hypothyroidism.

I have never really spoke to anyone about this. I didn’t cry about it, all I did was be strong and keep telling myself all would be OK.

Now here we are 18 months on and I know I have been suffering with anxiety for longer than I will admit to.

I feel I cannot talk to anyone about it as I feel embarrassed. I feel like I need to be the strong one in the family.

My anxiety started when Bubs was diagnosed with CH. I need to keep him safe and wrap him in cotton wool don’t I?? No in fact I don’t! He will be fine and grow up to be a normal little boy. He will grow up to be a nice young gentleman and lead a very normal life. I know this, we all know this but my mind doesn’t.

My mind thinks he needs protecting in everything he does and every where he goes. My mind thinks bad things will happen to him when he isn’t with me.

I fear him choking on food at nursery

I fear him being poorly if I leave him with my Mum and Dad for the night and then I wont be there to comfort him.

I hate leaving him with anyone apart from my Mum (and his dad obviously)

When I drop him off at nursery I keep my phone with me ALL day. Any call I get my heart almost stops with me thinking its nursery calling to say something has happened.

I almost didn’t go back to work because of this

These thoughts ARE NOT RATIONAL. I know that but my head doesn’t. However much I tell myself he will be fine, my head tells me he wont and my head is the stronger force.

I am sick and fed up of being like this and it is ruining my relationship with the children’s father. We can’t do anything or go out without me having to call my Mum so many times to make sure he is OK.

Usually I just don’t want to do anything as I just don’t want to leave him.

At 18 months old I have only JUST started to let him have finger foods. So I have always cut things up quite small. I would break biscuits up or cut sandwiches up into small pieces. Now I have let him hold a full biscuit or a full banana and he is fine.

I feel like I am going to start holding him back and I don’t want to do that.

My anxiety just revolves around Bubs. I obviously love and care for Little Man but I do not have the anxiety problems with him. This is why I think it all revolves around Bubs and his CH.

Any cough or sniffle he has I think the worst

If he’s not quite eating as much food one day I worry he’s not well

Any small rash I check with a glass

I must have a strict routine with his eating and sleep times

I am driving myself crazy most of the time and I am tired of being like this.

My anxiety mainly revolves around Bubs, however I have become anxious about my own health. As I am with Bubs I always think the worst.

If I have a small rash I worry, any slight pain or ache I worry I have cancer.I always convince myself that everything is the worst possible illness it could be. I think when my anxiety was at it worst, on one day I diagnosed myself and I had about 4 different types of cancer.

I fear something happening to me and leaving both of my children with no Mummy. This is my biggest fear.

I once had a swollen Lymph node on the back of my head. I ended up at the doctors a few times about it as I couldn’t accept their answer of why it was swollen (because I had a flare up of itchy scalp) they gave me a special shampoo which I used and it cleared up and then my lymph node went down.

I do not want to be like this worrying everyday but I can’t help it.

Have you gone through anything like this and overcome it?

Please Do Share

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