How many people have more than one child? How many of you only love your first child? NON of you I hope! This was a really problem for me though whilst I was pregnant with my second child.
As you probably know we have Little Man is now almost 5 years old. From the very second he was born I had an overwhelming amount of love that just bursted out of my heart for him. I never knew it was possible to love anyone as much as I love Little Man. As the years passed I wanted to protect him from everything as does every parent with their children. I would cry when he had his jabs and I would wrap him up in cotton wool. I made sure that nothing could hurt him, I covered up and moved anything that he could crawl or walk into and hurt himself.
When I become pregnant with my second child, now know on the blog as Bubs. I felt from early on that I wouldn’t love him as much as I loved Little Man. We didn’t know that we were having a little boy until he was born and deep down I had a preference. My preference was to have a little girl and if anyone asked me I would tell them this, however I said as long as baby was healthy that is all that mattered.
From around about 12 weeks when we had our first scan I had this awful feeling that I couldn’t shake off. A feeling that Little Man would always be my number 1. A feeling that I couldn’t love any other baby the way I loved Little Man. It really wasn’t a feeling I wanted but it was there and I told no one to start with. I would joke to people saying ‘ah yeah you can baby sit anytime, take him when he’s a week old if you like’ One conversation sticks in my mind and I feel so guilty and sad about it looking back now. I was talking to my friend and I actually can’t remember how the conversation came about. We were talking about children having their jabs and I remember saying ‘ oh well I wont cry when baby has to have the jabs its not me having them’ Where as with Little Man I cried for him.
Bubs was a baby that we had wanted for a long time and I kept telling myself it would all change when he arrived. I wasn’t convinced but had to tell myself it would change.
Whilst I was pregnant I wasn’t as careful with the food I ate. I just generally wasn’t as careful as I was when being pregnant with little Man. Don’t get me wrong I was excited and I couldn’t wait to meet baby.
On the day of my planned c-section I was really nervous and excited. I was worried that when he was born I may not feel anything. HOW WRONG I WAS!!
As soon as Bubs was born I had that bursting feeling again. I felt like I was going to burst with Love and at the same time guilt. I felt guilty and still do to this day for ever feeling like I did. I don’t know if this is normal or not or if other people have had this feeling. I hope one day I can get the feeling of guilt out of my mind. I love both of my kids exactly the same and every day I have so much happiness and pride inside of me. Watching them grow together, play together and interact with each other.
My perfect family of 2 boys and I wouldn’t change anything for the world.
Have you had this feeling before? Id love to hear your stories.