28th March 2016

How could I love a second child?

How many people have more than one child? How many of you only love your first child? NON of you I hope! This was a really problem for me though whilst I was pregnant with my second child.

As you probably know we have Little Man is now almost 5 years old. From the very second he was born I had an overwhelming amount of love that just bursted out of my heart for him. I never knew it was possible to love anyone as much as I love Little Man. As the years passed I wanted to protect him from everything as does every parent with their children. I would cry when he had his jabs and I would wrap him up in cotton wool. I made sure that nothing could hurt him, I covered up and moved anything that he could crawl or walk into and hurt himself.

When I become pregnant with my second child, now know on the blog as Bubs. I felt from early on that I wouldn’t love him as much as I loved Little Man. We didn’t know that we were having a little boy until he was born and deep down I had a preference. My preference was to have a little girl and if anyone asked me I would tell them this, however I said as long as baby was healthy that is all that mattered.

From around about 12 weeks when we had our first scan I had this awful feeling that I couldn’t shake off. A feeling that Little Man would always be my number 1. A feeling that I couldn’t love any other baby the way I loved Little Man. It really wasn’t a feeling I wanted but it was there and I told no one to start with. I would joke to people saying ‘ah yeah you can baby sit anytime, take him when he’s a week old if you like’ One conversation sticks in my mind and I feel so guilty and sad about it looking back now. I was talking to my friend and I actually can’t remember how the conversation came about. We were talking about children having their jabs and I remember saying ‘ oh well I wont cry when baby has to have the jabs its not me having them’ Where as with Little Man I cried for him.

Bubs was a baby that we had wanted for a long time and I kept telling myself it would all change when he arrived. I wasn’t convinced but had to tell myself it would change.

Whilst I was pregnant I wasn’t as careful with the food I ate. I just generally wasn’t as careful as I was when being pregnant with little Man. Don’t get me wrong I was excited and I couldn’t wait to meet baby.

On the day of my planned c-section I was really nervous and excited. I was worried that when he was born I may not feel anything. HOW WRONG I WAS!!

As soon as Bubs was born I had that bursting feeling again. I felt like I was going to burst with Love and at the same time guilt. I felt guilty and still do to this day for ever feeling like I did. I don’t know if this is normal or not or if other people have had this feeling. I hope one day I can get the feeling of guilt out of my mind. I love both of my kids exactly the same and every day I have so much happiness and pride inside of me. Watching them grow together, play together and interact with each other.

IMG_5102

My perfect family of 2 boys and I wouldn’t change anything for the world.

IMG_4219

Have you had this feeling before? Id love to hear your stories.

Please Do Share

6 responses to “How could I love a second child?”

  1. TheLondonMum says:

    This is something I often wonder about. I adore my son and don’t know how I can have the same feelings for another child. As the second daughter myself though I hope there is more love to give 😉

  2. Life as Mum says:

    I felt like I was reading about myself here. I wanted a boy for my second but I was pregnant with another little girl. I wasn’t quite sure how I would be able to share my love with another daughter. It didn’t seem really possible. But I did, the minute she was born.
    Such a lovely post x

  3. It’s so hards isn’t it?! You have this overwhelming, fierce and beautiful love for your first, that is so all consuming you just have no idea how you could possibly make room for another. I summed it up when I was smacked off my face on gas and air in the labour suite and Toby was plonked in my arms: “It’s like my heart just doubled in size all in one instant, I didn’t know you could do that”… Ha! H x

  4. Claire Witt says:

    Ah I’m sure so many people go through this… i actually didn’t .. i felt so much more at ease though being pregnant and with baby with the second.. my memories of the first are a lot more stressed and worried comes to mind… i do however love them exactly the same.. but i def get what you mean 🙂 thanks for sharing x

  5. Aw, I love your honestly, I know a lot of my friends felt this way, but for me, I was really excited for my first born to have siblings. We had three within just over four years. Your heart just makes more love. Seeing their bond as siblings develop just makes me love them all even more. x

  6. I have often wondered this and worried about it too but it’s not to be as yet. Glad you wrote this as I’m sure a lot of parents feel the same.

    Laura x

Leave a Reply